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Home » A Plea to the Amazon Warrior Queen: Ten Deal Breakers for the Modern Day Lesbian.

A Plea to the Amazon Warrior Queen: Ten Deal Breakers for the Modern Day Lesbian.

SHOE Member Feature: If I am going to join this tribe, I want a woman who will welcome me at the circle. We have entered a period where young people accept their right to be sexual beings. They understand love comes in all shapes, sizes and genders. Many of our adolescents explore same sex unions without having to classify their sexual orientation one way or the other.


I grew up when this kind of freedom was not plausible. Coming out of the closet gave my father such a fright, he looked like he had seen a ghost. In fact, when my sister worried about his pallor, she asked him what was wrong and he mumbled, “Your sister is Queer.” In our blue collar family, where Archie Bunker often joined the family dinner, Queer was right up there with niggers and kikes. Did I mention my first lover was a woman of color?

Still, I never fit into the gay tribe. Often I tell my handful of lesbian friends that I am lesbian by default. If I was a man I would be straight. In fact over time, I have experienced pleasure in the bedroom of men, but my heart belongs to the Lesbian Warrior Queen. They laugh as I search the world for the horse woman who will walk equally by my side.

Here is what this non-traditional spiritual lesbian seeks.

1. No wanna-be’s.
Authenticity is the keystone to a sacred union. You are not the protein powder in my morning shake and I am not the fruit in yours. If you are attracted to me because I climb mountains, please be on your own camel back. My journey has involved becoming complete, but I would love someone to share the trail up the mountain.

2. Cross dressing went out in the sixties.
When I was thirty I dressed in green carter work pants and mustard work boots. A hot babe came to my restaurant and asked, “Why do you dress like a man?” Eventually, my friend Debby made it her mission to girly dress my very fit body. She would tell me to “become a mystery to others. Let them say there is a restaurateur downtown, rumored to be a lesbian, but have you seen her body and style.?”

However my friends chided me that I was in Debby Drag. For years while in transition between boy and woman, I sported a glamorous body and tailored clothes, but my skirt felt like the weight of an appendage. As I mentioned, if I was a man I would be straight. Please come with style that does not define you in bed.

3. On the subject of clothes.
My ideal situation is a larger home with two master bedrooms and closets. If you want someone to dress and look like you, get a dog. Please let’s never share underwear. Let your closet overflow with your own unique style.

4. Bring your own set of friends.
As a chef I love to cook and entertain. Please come ready with your guest list and a willingness to lead separate lives as well as sharing our table. I like to take separate trips as well as traveling with someone I love. If you will be upset when I spend time with my friends, please do not pretend you are for me.

5. Leave your baseball glove at home.
After a failed attempt at drinking and catching softball, and several nights blacked out at the bar, I quit—first baseball and then the drinking. In those days you were not a lesbian if you did not play ball. Please do not choose your favorite pastimes by gay stereotypes. Not once have I been at a dinner conversation where a heterosexual defined their sport choices or hobbies by their sexual orientation.

6. Lesbian bed death not allowed.
Like Erica Jong my greatest fantasy was the zipless fuck. This is no joke. Lesbians often wear their homogenous sisterhood as a badge of honor. I want to be taken in the woods, on the mountaintop, in a cab and I want to take you in all these places as well as we travel around the world together and apart. Phone sex can be hot and steamy. Looking for someone who will climb to the top of the mountain to keep our life together passionate.

7. Cats and dogs.
I am  a cat person. Not only do I not want a matching set of animals, I want a lover who wears plaid when I wear stripes. Please let’s not be pegged as partners because we having matching polo shirts. I will however learn to love your dog if you embrace my cat.

8. Fully embodied soul.
Please understand that my first love is spirit. Being that I am in service to spirit this lifetime, this will always come first. I have left relationships, work situations and moved thousands of miles when called.

9. Love with an open heart.
Despite 25 years of soul-searching work, I come with my wounds. Please be ready to love me as I am, knowing full well that we are finely tuned mirrors and will probably hurt one another. Please be ready to forgive and to accept me as I am.

10. Passion is key.
Early in my career as an aspiring chef, words of wisdom came from a master. He told his staff to feed the employees as they would their mother. For me this is always been the yardstick for my life. I believe as we do anything is how we do everything.

Is this a tall glass of water to drink? My good friend always jokingly says, “Renee go on down to the girl store to find someone.”

But as many times as I shopped, you were not there. Instead I have found hetero wives who could love the intimacy that a woman would bring—and become intrigued at the idea that perhaps another woman can open up the mystery of their sexuality, going deeper than many men can bear.

Only when we are willing to not be defined by the gender of whom we love, will there ever be true equality in life and love. Marriage will not be a controversial item at the poll—passion will remain in the bedroom. If you are out there and hear my call, please come play.

We will dance our sacred masculine and feminine watching ever so closely that we merge and flow together and apart.

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SHOE Feature Article submitted by: Renee Baribea

About: Renee Baribeau, known internationally as The Practical Shaman, specializes in making the mundane magical. You can find Renee on Facebook and at her Practical Shaman blog. She will also be teaching After Yoga, The Dishes at the Bhakti Fest in Joshua Tree, September 6-9.

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